busily bored

I get up at 4 a.m. - on the count of three, you're all to go "Oh My God, I feel so sorry for you!!" - to pick up Kennedy and Julian. Luckily, I'm very good at rote driving seeing how I'm pretty much sound asleep for both the pick up and delivery back to our place. Last week, ten year old Kennedy got into the car.

"Theresa, there's a spider on my window."


"That's nice honey."


"I don't think you heard me. I said there's a SPIDER on my window."


"I heard you. There's also bird poop on your window."


"Yeah but I'm not afraid of bird poop."


Ten year olds should be outlawed.

**********

Have you ever noticed that foreigners laugh in English? Like, what the hell's that all about?

**********

So after a 16 month and 11 day layoff - not that I counted of course - Jay finally found a job job. (A "job job" is a "holy shit, you're making more money than you did at your old job!!" job as opposed to a job which pays minimum wage and pretty much is all that's offered out there nowadays because we're still in a recession and THEY CAN.) On a whim he dropped his resume off at a company that also works in concrete like his old company did. Apparently concrete workers are a rare breed - who knew? - and as the story goes, they fired a guy a month after Jay did the resume thing and he was called in for an interview and pretty much hired on the spot. Straight afternoons, which works well for us seeing how after a 16 month and 11 day layoff - not that I counted of course - I can't really say we like each other all that much so it all works out quite well in the end.

As for me, I've been busily bored since he started the new job. The "oh wow, I'll be able to put an entry in every night!" plan obviously did not come to fruition. So instead I've been changing my kitchen cupboards around - two weeks later and I'm still grabbing pasta and thinking it should be a coffee cup - and also spending a lot of time over at Tara and Aaron's and then walking home. (Twenty brisk minutes in case anyone wants to be impressed.)

**********

We opened up the trailer again at ye olde nudist resort for another season. Our first "social event" was my mom's 86th birthday party. Tara and I thought that mom would get a kick out of seeing penises bouncing around all over the place because we're sick and perverted little creatures. The fact that my mom can't wait to go back tells us all just where we get our perverted little creature-ness from. She phoned me two days after her party.

"I'd like to go back one of these weekends."

"Really???"

"I didn't see anything outside of your trailer."


(Translation - "There weren't enough naked men walking past your trailer.")

"Really???"


"I'd like to go for a walk around the park."

(Please read above translation.)

"Um ... but it's about 100 acres mom. You can't walk down three steps."


"But I want to see the whole park."


(Ditto.)

"Well you know, I probably *could* ask Su to drive you around in her golf cart for the day."


"Okay!!!!!!!!!"

I'm quite sure Su won't mind spending her day driving my mother around the park.

odds and ends

I don't consider myself a racist. I openly admit I have people issues - big ones even. I'm quite honest when I say if I was given a gun and free rein the population of Hamilton would go from half a million to about, you know, twelve. (Okay, FINE. If I see an Asian behind the wheel of a car you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll move over a block or two or twenty. That's not racism. That's self preservation.) But I'm not racist. I'm merely people-ist. Except - oh come on, you all saw the "except" coming - when it comes to those Ninja moms. Am I the only person who's terrified when they see one? The all in black, two eye balls peeping out at you female. And I'm not talking every day Muslim women in hijabs. One of my closest "mom friends" from Julian's class is an incredible woman from Libya. I'm talking the head to toe stuff here. Sometimes they even have that window screening over the eyeball part. Can you walk past one without thinking they have 15 sticks of dynamite taped to their bellies and all they're waiting for is your sorry Western ass to pass by before they blow you and themselves up? Scary shit, I tell ya.

**********

Back in the olden days, when I'd returned back to Canada from my two year Connecticut stint I'd gotten a job at what polite people call an "Adult Video Establishment." I called it a porn shop. During that time, I'd met a guy, twenty years younger than me and gay as gay gets, who worked at another one of our stores in the region. For some bizarre - and to this day unknown - reason we ended up as close as two people could possibly get. As it tends to happen, life changes occur and we both went our separate ways but we still try to keep in touch if at all possible. Jeremy is in Toronto now but he managed to find time to come and visit us the other day. I invited Tara to come over and bring the girls seeing how he'd never met them. Claudia was clearly on her best 3 year old behavior when she was introduced to him -

"I don't think I like you .."

- so we just relied on Eloise who can't say much beyond "hiya" and she came through for us. We had an amazing visit, staying outside for most of the day watching Tara weed my garden - ten feet deep and forty feet long. I'd say she needs professional mental help but I won't because if I did she won't do it again next year - and keeping the girls from running out on to the street.

Jeremy

Eloise and Chief doing their prisoner of war imitation

Claudia the biker babe in training












**********

And finally, a quick update on my sister in law Josie. The operation to remove the infected breast went extremely well - probably the boobcakes that brought her good luck - and she's received the results from the cancer clinic. Apparently they caught the cancer at its earliest stages and she was given a choice of pills for 5 years which would give her a so so chance of the cancer not coming back or chemo for 3 months which would almost guarantee a cancer free future. Josie has opted for the three months of chemo which I think is the wisest decision even with the nausea and hair loss that she's going to endure. My brother is going to shave his head -

"Aww .. that's so sweet of him! I just hope you don't expect me to join him cause, you know, I really don't like you *that* much ..." 

- and Josie and I are already planning a wig shopping expedition.

And needless to say, breathing that much easier.

happy birthday claudia!

It's funny how you think that motherhood is the only phase in your life where you get to say "where did the time go?" I found out yesterday that it also applies when you're a grandparent. Our little Claudia turned three and I'd swear it was just a few months ago that a little six pound squirming mass of arms and legs was held out to me to see for the first time. And now she's this absolutely gorgeous blue eyed blonde who is articulate, intelligent and a royal pain in the ass for her parents. (But *not* for her grandparents. Don't you just love karma???)

The party was yesterday. The theme was The Hungry Caterpillar and we all got to feast on caterpillar cupcakes (Are you seeing a pattern in this family? Cupcakes turned into boobs, cupcakes turned into caterpillars. Clearly no cupcake is safe around us) and we drank "bug juice" with dinner. The food was great, the company was wonderful and all the kids behaved. We couldn't have asked for more.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart. Grandma loves you with all her heart.

The birthday girl.

Starting at high noon -
Melissa, mom of Kennedy and Julian
Below her - Hailie
Tasha
Claudia
Julian
Travis
Sarah
Kennedy

William

Eloise

Claudia didn't want to hit the pinata. (tree hugger in training) Her sister on the other hand had no qualms about beating the crap out of it.

meeting izzy

I phoned my mom the other day. It'd been FIVE DAYS since I spoke to her.

"Hi mom."

(Do keep in mind that I'm her *only* daughter which in my world means there could only be one female voice that would call her "mom.")

"Who's this?"

"Your daughter."

"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't recognize your voice."

And they wonder why I can consider 2 p.m. a good time to have a drink.

**********

Tasha phoned me yesterday.

"Hey Tasha."

"Hey. What time is it?"

"Two forty two."

"K, thanks. Talk to you later."

"Wait. Hang on a sec. Did you seriously just call me to ask me what time it was???"

"Yeah. I'm outside with William and we're not near the house and I needed to know what time it was and I'm too lazy to walk up to the house."

I was tempted to call Tara to suggest she start calling her mother in law to find out the time. Seeing how Tara was blessed with the mother in law from hell, it would be good for a laugh.

**********

Back when I was a kid, my dad and another man went into business together. Business was good, they bought 20 acres of land together, built two houses on the land and that was my childhood. The partner had two children. In time, like all of us, those children went on to marry and have children of their own. One of those "babies" was a girl named Monica. Her and Tara pretty much grew up together and are still close friends to this day. Ten weeks ago Monica had a baby girl named Isabelle, her first. Tasha and I finally got to meet her this past Monday. Now don't get me wrong, this baby is CUTE. Beyond cute even. Unfortunately, it ends there. Other than a fifteen minute nap, she screamed the whole time. Honestly, I thought Claudia had Birth Control Poster Child of the year sewn up. Izzy has beat her out. Honestly, how many times can you say "She really *is* beautiful!" before mom finally tunes into the fact that you can't think of anything else to say. 

But hey, she really *is* beautiful!

Izzy

bye bye boobie, boobie good-bye

My sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer during the latter part of 2009. Ironically, it was discovered when she opted to go for her H1N1 shot because she works with the public. I guess at the end of the day, some good came out of the swine flu scare. Regardless, it's been a few rough months for everyone with all the tests she's had to endure. Tomorrow is her surgery to remove the infected breast plus lymph nodes. On Friday, we decided to have a Kiss The Boob Good-bye party because we're twisted like that. I didn't invite my mom -

"Hi ho, hi ho, it's straight to hell I go ..."

But Tara, Aaron, Bob and Tasha and all their little baby bunnies were asked to come. My logic was that with all those rabbits running around, Ben and Josie wouldn't have time to dwell on their problems. What I wasn't expecting was for Ben to come in, take in all the bunnies and say they weren't staying. (Gawd, they're just short people!) In the end, they stayed for a few hours. (I'm guessing my brother just opted to pretend he was at the zoo and he might as well get his money's worth.)

Pics from the boob party -

If you look really hard, you'll see there's four kids in this picture. Jungle babies.

Claudia's perma look when Dora the Explorer is on TV.

No Kiss The Boob Good-bye party is complete without boobcakes. (Tara's idea.)

this and that

My mother phoned me two weeks ago and asked me to pick her up a bag of chicken thighs the next time I was at the farmer's market. My first thought was "hmmm .... normally she gets chicken legs" but I thought okay, I guess she wants thighs, so thighs it is. (Note to self - next time voice your thoughts out loud.) I picked the thighs up, plus some apples for her and then asked Tara if she'd deliver them seeing how she'd be seeing her before I would. A couple of days later my phone rang.

"Why did you get me thighs??????"

(Forget the "hi, how are you" stuff. I guess when you're 86 every second counts. Why bother with inane pleasantries, you know?)

"You told me to get you thighs, mom."

"I did not! I said get legs! I always get legs!"

"I know you always get legs. I was even wondering why you said thighs when I know you get legs."

"I did not say get thighs."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't."

"Mom. I heard you. You said thighs."

"Maybe I said DON'T get me thighs."

"No. You said GET me thighs."

"They were delicious."

"Huh? What was?"

"The thighs. I cooked them yesterday. They were delicious."

Somebody shoot me.

**********

Technically, the term would be perimenopausal. I call it Fuckinhell. (I would guess Jay calls it something worse but as long as I'm in Fuckinhell he ain't about to say shit.) This is, simply put, the worst period of a woman's life. I knew I was heading down a long road when I first started getting symptoms and found a site listing "the 35 symptoms of perimenopause." Excuse me? Thirty Five?????? My body now officially has a mind of its own. Can't sleep. Can't stay awake. Laughing one minute, crying the next. The whole world was aghast when they heard Tiger Wood's wife took a golf club to his head. Me? I got all excited. "Ooooh ... why didn't I think of that! We have so many golf clubs in the house!!!!" I aim for people who are stupid enough to walk out in front of me on the street. Jay hates getting in a car with me now.

"Was that really necessary?"

"Was what really necessary?"

"You aimed for them."

"They were in my way."

"Yes but you AIMED for them. You sped up and you AIMED for them."

"Maybe so, but did you see how quick they moved????"

And just as I'm thinking this is as bad as it's going to get, I get hit with hot flashes. Those elusive 'they' people claim that hot flashes are the number one complaint of menopause. Before they hit me I thought oh come on, there's gotta be worse. Boy, did I think wrong. I honestly thought it would feel like a July body and that'd be it. This isn't July. This is hell and Lucifer has you at the TOP of the bad person list. Keep in mind that it's winter in Canada. Jay is in sweats, a housecoat, socks and fuzzy slippers. His wife on the other hand is naked and dripping sweat. On the plus side though, this is one symptom that Jay doesn't complain about. My back, face, arms, or any visible body part has now become his own personal foot warmer.

Glad I can be of service.

**********

Some of us were born to be mothers. Some of us, aunts. Some of us were destined to care for goldfish and not too much more. I know now that I was born to be a grandmother. Nothing gives me as much pleasure as these grandbabies do. Tara and Aaron had some errands to run today and asked if we'd watch the girls for a few hours. As it always is, Jay belongs to Claudia and I belong to Eloise. And it works for us. Claudia is an extremely intelligent, extremely active, verbal bundle of energy. Perfect for Jay. Eloise on the other hand appears to be quite content to sit on my lap and not move until she's 18. And that works very well for me. When they had dropped the girls off, Eloise had just woken up from a nap so they brought her over in her pajamas. In due time I figured she was ready for a diaper change and I noticed that she had a wee bit of a red bottom. Of course as we all know, the best thing for a pink bum is air so I just let her run around without a diaper for the duration of the visit. At one point though, I saw her sitting on the floor and looking to be quite "busy" with her hands. Kinda like she was playing in a puddle of water.

"Awwww did grandma's girl pee????"

"*splash*"

"Look at you!! Having so much fun!!"

"Ellie peed on the floor grandma ..."

"Yeah I know."

"Put a diaper on her."

"That's kinda like locking the barn door after the horse has been stolen."

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

What I didn't know was that the splashing was merely a prelude to what was about to come and that maybe I should have taken Claudia's advice. An hour later Ellie started making some pretty strange "Man, am I having FUN" noises.

"Whatcha doing .... oh dear God."

Eloise made her own play-doh. She's such a creative little thing.

Like I said, I love being a grandma.

tara vs. the asian hot sauce

Tara came over yesterday with the girls for a visit. Aaron - our rocket scientist in training son in law - was at school. After a fashion we decided that the girls were driving us insane and that we should go for a walk. Tara opted for the library - free, which is good because we're all broke - but instead I suggested the new Asian grocery store that just opened up around the corner which in a sense would also be free because what would two Polish girls find of interest in an Asian grocery store, right? Wrong. It started out innocently enough ...

"What's that green stuff?"

"I dunno."

"What's the package say?"

"Vegetable."

"Vegetable??"

"That's it. Vegetable."

"Holy. They don't even know what it is ..."

And from that point on we just started buying. (Clearly we have a "thing" for unidentifiable foods.)

"What's that?"

"No idea but it looks interesting."

"What have you got there?"

"Um. Corn in a potato chip bag?"

"Corn?"

"That's what it says. Corn. Even has a picture of corn on the front."

And then Tara saw it. Something she recognized. Sriracha sauce. The "must have" hot sauce of the century. Apparently, one is to "put it on everything" it's so good.

She saw it.
She bought it.
She put close to a tablespoon of it on a cracker.
She ate it.

Two hours later her mouth was still burning and I was still laughing.

And thanking God for separate bathrooms.

Oh. And for the record, we blew close to 30 bucks. And other than the hot sauce, we have no idea what we bought. But hey, the birds loved the corn in the potato chip bag.

**********

Claudia looking angelic.

Eloise feeding Chief a cookie.