a proud sexist

Everyone has that one friend. That friend that everyone asks what you two could possibly have in common seeing how from their viewpoint, you are night and day. Kim would be that friend of mine. While I cheerfully bake cookies for my family and bounce babies on my lap, she's burning bras and fighting for equal rights for women. Somehow though, even with the diversity, we are close friends. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for her and Jay. Now don't get me wrong here. They actually DO like each other, but they'd prefer to do their visiting from opposite ends of the country planet.

Thanks to the Winter From Hell, I got a text the other night from Kim. She was stuck in Hamilton, home being an hour away, and the roads were horrid. Can she take refuge here? Of course she can. And then it begins. You all know the expression "wait for it" correct? That's what I say to myself from the second she walks through the door. Normally, I only need to think it once or twice and Thursday night, they did not disappoint. I can't believe how fast I went from "wait for it" to "here it is." They might have even broke a record with the speed that it changed. Thursday's Issue Du Jour was equality - or the lack thereof - between the sexes. Arguing, throwing statistics around like baseballs, arguing some more, Google-ing so much I thought Google might break down - and on it went. This is how I amused myself while they battled -

New Jersey Crumb Cake

- and it's not because I don't have an opinion. I very much have an opinion. I just keep it to myself.

I am a sexist. A card carrying, flag waving, proud as punch, sexist. I have never, don't now, and never will believe that men and women are equal. I've always been of the firm belief that men are so much beneath us they might as well be made out of rubber with "welcome" stamped on their foreheads. Dumb as ox with dicks, men are. If I was that simple and stupid, trust me, I'd have shot myself long ago. Oh sure, you can all throw the rocket scientist mumbo jumbo at me and you're right, they are capable of that. Now walk a pair of Double D's into the room while they're building those rockets and watch what happens.

"Booooooobieeeees!!!!!"

And now you know why rockets crash.

I find it funny that so much time and money has been spent by men trying to find that elusive "missing link" brought about through evolution. We've all heard of the missing link. Half man, half ape, capable of grunting but no real conversation, not quite evolved but not quite a beast. Able to lift heavy objects but not too much more beyond that. Men have never found that missing link.

It's because they've never thought to look in a mirror.

(Nice looking cake, isn't it?)

the highs and the lows of the past two years

Needless to say, when it's been two years since your last post, point form can be your best friend -

- Our sister in law Josephine lost her valiant battle with cancer on February 8, 2013.

- Three weeks after Josie's passing, we had to say good-bye to our beloved companion Chief after 11 years.

- They say that when one door closes, another opens. On March 29, 2013 we were blessed with our 5th grandchild, Nora Josephine, third child of Aaron and Tara. Nora arrived a month early and shortly after their move from Germany to Scotland where Aaron accepted a teaching position at Aberdeen University.

- We said good riddance to our trailer, the trailer park and all the troubles that came with it. I don't miss it.

- In keeping with Tara's due date with Nora, I booked a flight to Scotland for mid April to be there and help with the new baby. As mentioned above, Nora had other plans so instead I went to Scotland to visit the three week old and her sisters. Five weeks after I got back home, Jay and I went out for another two weeks. Both visits were incredible and as a bonus, Jay managed to golf the Old Course at St. Andrews - something he still talks about to this day.

- Two months after we got back home, Tara and the girls came to visit us for the majority of the summer. 2013 was definitely the year of travel for our family.

- My Pontiac finally moved on to the great junk yard in the sky and I got myself a Mazda 3. Zoom zoom.

- We moved my mom into a nursing home. She still complains about everything on a daily basis. I remind my kids about the "pillow over my head" promise continually.

- A year after the death of Chief, Jay and I felt ready to welcome a new dog into our family. He's an 8 month old Collie/Australian Shepherd mix and about the size of a small horse. We named him Cooper and we're adjusting to a life of chewed slippers again.

Josie

Chief

Meeting 3 week old Nora for the first time

Nora this month

Papa and his girls at St. Andrews

Cooper

   

for my daughter - the winter from hell

call me greta garbo

I made a discovery over the month of March while my happy little family was here. There is a reason why whoever or whatever it was that created us - personally I lean towards Pluto and the gang - made it so that we had our babies in our 20s.

It's the only time in our lives that we have enough energy for them.


They left. I got sick. My nose ran like a leaky tap. I had a dry cough. I shivered. My eyes felt like someone was sticking hot pokers in them. And then because clearly Pluto and the gang felt that wasn't enough, my stomach and all those things that go with it decided to join in on the fun. My sister-in-law played doctor.

"I think it's exhaustion."


"Like, movie star exhaustion?"


"Well, I think it's more like chasing 3 and 4 year olds around exhaustion but if you want to call yourself a movie star, you can." 


I'm suffering from movie star exhaustion.


Stills from my month long movie career -

Tara and FatCat. Their mutual dislike for one another is legendary around here. I had to immortalize this strange moment.

Middle of March and the temperatures were in the 70s. The girls and I took advantage of it and went for a visit to the park.

Who needs water for a watering can when you have sand available.

Playing a game of "where did my feet go, Grandma?" (Don't even ask how much sand I ate when their feet "appeared" again)

A Wizard of Oz event. Here's the girls and Su's "peanut" Avah, joining us for the day, making puppets.

 Is this just not the creepiest looking bank you've ever seen?

Searching for "poppies" outdoors.

A trip to Wizard World with the largest indoor amusement park - if you're small or an exhausted movie star - that this city has ever seen. Keep climbing girl.

And you'll be rewarded once you've made it to the top.

If my little sister can do it...

So can I.

Tara and Jay deciding to take each other on in the "gladiator ring." I'm amazed that I managed to stop laughing long enough to take the picture.

Taking a break after a long, tiring, but well worth it day.

all about mom

Yes. New design. The ideal thing to say would be "I was bored." The truth would be more along the lines of being able to visualize Tara saying -

"Oh my fucking God she put a meganormous picture of a fucking baloney sandwich on her blog! And it's on white bread too!! I will *never* be able to be seen in public with her again!!!"

- or some such thing.

(Cute sammie, no?)

**********

Getting To Know My Mother 101 -

This May she will be 88 years old. 

Her mind is sharper than mine.

Forget that.

Her mind is sharper than all of ours put together.

She is a MASTER manipulator.

She does have a heart of gold though and is more than generous when it comes to helping us all out of jams.

(Thought I'd toss something nice in there.)

If she has no aches, pains and life threatening illnesses to complain about, she'll invent things. An acquaintance of ours is dying of bone cancer, brought on by AIDS.  

"I think I have what Freddie has ..."

"Um. I think *maybe* not Ma ..."

She will give you a list of groceries to buy her. 

Most of the time, she'll "forget" one item, thus making sure you'll come back within a day or two with said forgotten item. 

If you did manage to get everything she needs, she'll thank you by calling someone in the family and letting them know what a fuck up you are when it comes to getting her groceries.

"I told her I wanted three large tomatoes. She got me three medium sized tomatoes instead!"

My brothers - toss in a Southern "bless their hearts" in there - have successfully managed to remove her from their lives unless absolutely necessary. 

Tara is safely tucked away in Germany. 

That leaves me. 

She calls me no less than five times a day. 

One minute to her us equals 10 to us. 

She can't figure out why I only talk to her for 3 minutes.

"Ma .... we've been on the phone for half an hour."

"No. It's only been three minutes ..."

And she goes on. Mother of God, can that woman jump from one subject to the next. I thought I had perfected the art of saying "uh huh" every five minutes until she got wise to the fact that I wasn't listening and started testing me.

"Why did I phone you again?"

"Ahhh .... um .... hmm ...."

Not the best response but probably much better than "Did you know there are literally thousands of pictures of balogna sandwiches on the web? I'm looking through them right now. You should see them all!" 

And then every once in awhile your ear will catch something that might be important.

"Tara is staying in Germany forever."

"She's what? No she isn't. Says who? Where did you hear this??"

"She's taking German lessons."

"So what's that got to do with anything?"

"If she's taking German lessons it means she's staying forever."

"Oh Ma. She's only taking lessons so that she can walk away after two years knowing how to say more than "can I please have a pack of cigarettes" in German."

"No. She's German now."

Meine tochter ist jetzt Deutsch

Hm. I wonder how you say baloney sandwich in German ....